The moment I presently am living in weighs so heavily upon my every thought and action that I do.
I’ve been experiencing it for a long time now. But it is reaching a breaking point.
The interpersonal arbitration. The pursuit of running excellence. The indecision I face in relationships. I just keep moving forward, laughing and being myself. I don’t do it to be coy. I do it because that’s all that I feel is left.
It propels me through the choppiest of waves and above the tallest trees.
I’m not looking to make a scene, I’m just trying to keep my senses above the fray, and keep my actions righteous.
Arguably the strongest lesson I’ve learned over the last five years is that when your ideals and hopes are as high as mountains, it’s a long way down.
But on that way down you meet things that transcended even the grandest of ideals and standards.
I haven’t seen every truth in this world I had envisioned, or hoped to. But I have seen the brutal honesty of disappointment, the irrevocable undertow of moralism, and the earth-shattering tremors of broken integrity.
Above this awful mess of wickedness and the plunder of another’s standards to bolster my own, lies a microcosm of what I used to be. I don’t regret anything I’ve done, but I do feel that a lot of my former being is now dissolved. It has effectively been ridden from my personal ethos.
Maybe I am helplessly conservative. Afraid of, regretful of, and utterly abhorrent towards change.
The ocean of life is one of great beauty. Yet it’s colossal and shattering power is something that ought not be ignored. It can break the most unsinkable of ships.
The ship I sail in today is a formidable ship. Yet it is a far different vessel than the one I was steering in 2003.
At the very least, I can take solace in my acknowledgement of the tides and the weather. The elements of life steer the ship off course from time to time. But so long as the ship returns to port, all will not be lost.
